Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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