none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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