I wanna passion pit in your ass
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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