you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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