Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
