weddingsv make me drug and hornr
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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