I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
