I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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