got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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