My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
