life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
