everyone is single if you try hard enough
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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