he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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