I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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