Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
