There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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