i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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