the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
