woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
