I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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