I cannot find my penis.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
