At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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