Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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