U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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