i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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