So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
