Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
