Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
