you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
