I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
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