You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
