Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
