If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Enjoy the penises
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
