we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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