good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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