I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
