I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The feeling are messing with the penis
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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