I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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