I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
