I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
