i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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