The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
They are going to name an STD after you.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
