shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
