my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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