I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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