people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
