Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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