wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
