Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
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He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
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Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize