i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
