some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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