I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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