Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
